the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
