now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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