jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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