My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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