My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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