apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
