my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
