mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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