Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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