saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
