I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
