Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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