I hate your face
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
