Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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