Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
