just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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