We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
