Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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