Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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