hell yes lets make some ravioli
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize