my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
