go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
