his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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