I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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