I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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