The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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