we're chasing vodka with high fives
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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