So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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