Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
