She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
