Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
