I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
