can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
