you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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