Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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