Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
