Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
