Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
