Define "chronic" masturbator.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Also, beer. Big fan.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
