I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize