hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My penis needs a shock collar
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
