They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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