the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
