good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
