Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
