happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
