Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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