i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize