The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Randomize
