Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day â¤ï¸
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
