Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
