there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
