If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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