i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
