Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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