she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I can't turn off my feet"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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